December 22nd 2015

Last night I did something I can’t remember ever doing before. I watched the same movie twice, albeit two different versions. That’s Christmas for ya! I read in the paper of the illness of Robin Hardy, film director at the age of 86.

In 1973 Hardy directed his only film of note and as it starred two of my favourite actors. I have always regarded this movie as something of a cult effort. The film was entitled “The Wicker Man”. Christopher Lee, who made Bram Stoker immortal, played the supreme wizard and controller of all attitudes and activities on the island of ‘Summerisle’ somewhere off the coast of Scotland, probably the Hebrides which would have a Celtic history. The other principal was Britt Ekland, the Swedish blonde who by any standards was one fuckin serious woman. Ekland appeared in the nude in this film and more than forty years ago this was considered a little risqué. Thirteen years previously she got her first walk-on part in Presley’s film “G.I.Blues” and went on to star in some classics including “The Night They Raided Minsky’s”, “Stiletto”,  “The Wicker Man” and “The Man with the Golden Gun”.

Britt played the part of ‘Willow’ in this movie and was a full time seductress and good at it too. Her dances without clothes in this production makes the whole movie worthwhile as it is all performed in the very best of good taste. It begs the question, where have all those fabulous actresses gone to? In the last thirty years Hollywood has produced no actress of the sheer beauty and appealing physical deportment  of girls such as  Britt Ekland, Marilyn Monroe, Raquel Welsh, Sophia Loren and Brigitte Bardot. All we get now are flat chested whingers who have as much sex appeal as a wet dishcloth. The only exception might be the ‘Tomb Raider’ herself, Angelina Jolie.

Back to the movie. The story is essentially about the arrival on Summerisle of a self-righteous policeman to investigate the reported disappearance of a young girl. As the plot develops the natives clearly demonstrate that they will not cooperate with the policeman’s enquiries. But this non-cooperation is itself an essential part of the plan to make the custodian of the law try even harder and thereby ensnare himself.

The activities of the islanders indicate that any concept of Christian behaviour has long since been exorcised, if it ever existed. The active religion is purely pagan and very appealing. People do what people do when they feel like doing it and nobody is offended. Young girls dance without clothes around a bonfire and the reason they dance thus, as Lord Summerisle explains, is a matter of health and safety. To prance across a healthy bonfire with clothes would be to risk a human conflagration. Eminently sensible I believe.

The islanders do what all decent pagans do. They pay homage to the old Gods of Nature; as opposed to some man-contrived Deities and this to me makes a lot of sound sense. They knew of the value of the weather, the role of the sun, the bounty of the sea, the nature of death which to them was a reunion with all the other elements in nature.

Of course the term paganism wasn’t developed by pagans. The term was one created by Christians as a derogatory description of any belief system other than their own. A more accurate description of those we call pagans would be Polytheists. Polytheism is the worship of or belief in multiple deities usually assembled into a range of gods and goddesses, along with their own religions and rituals. In most religions which accept polytheism, the different gods and goddesses are representations of forces of nature or principles. It is a type of theism. Within theism, it contrasts with monotheism, the belief in a singular God, in most cases transcendent. Polytheists do not always worship all the gods equally, but can specialise the worship of one particular deity. Other polytheists practice worshiping different deities at different times.

I would compare Paganism to Christianity as I would homemade brown bread to a shop-bought white sliced pan. One is the real thing; the other is a poor copy of convenience. I confidently predict that in half a century hence we will have witnessed a gradual but steady return to Polytheism. As the plot develops the policeman is determined to find the body of the disappeared teenage girl. He eventually is shown her grave and with the permission of the lord of the island exhumes the body only to find that the coffin has a hare as the permanent tenant. The islanders’ explanation is that the girl has turned into a hare as was the option of nature.

The policeman discovers that the harvest of the previous year had failed and the locals tell him of a little symbolic sacrifice to the gods to avoid a repetition at the upcoming harvest. They give him to believe that the young girl might be the sacrifice and being a gallant Christian he goes about rescuing her. Little does he realise that the girl is part of the plan and that he is the real sacrificial lamb. The conclusion of the action takes place on the beach where he is unceremoniously ensconced in a giant man-god statue like construct made of wicker as was used centuries hence by the Ancient Celts for the purpose of sacrifice. All the locals wear animal masks and paint their faces and bodies with plant dyes and colours extracted from animals. Serious crack.

The stoker applies the taper to the whole pile and the policeman invokes the mercy of his own deity but that doesn’t stop him screaming. The natives have a big shindig secure in the knowledge that in the autumn there will be a hape of floury spuds for all. A most unusual movie, that by modern standards wouldn’t qualify as horror as there is no blood spilt, no macabre sound effects, no special effects and minimal make-up. Totally enjoyed it and there is a lot of ‘uisce-faoi-thalamh’ if you want to consider the whole covert suggestion contained.

I then watched the whole movie again. This time the lead, the sorry policeman, was played by Nicholas Cage. No Britt Ekland and no Christopher Lee. An unadulterated load of equine effluent. Despite following the original plot very closely the effort was pathetic. At some stage during this version Cage was attacked by bees. Pity they didn’t sting him to death and put us all out of our misery. I have seen Cage in some good movies but this attempt at acting was risible. Some things cannot be replicated; the original Wicker Man is one of them. There it is!